Guys Who Spell Their Name T-h-o-m are Jerks.

Word Wizard
by Tad Rainwater

Lets face it: guys who spell their name T-h-o-m are jerks. Its not just that they’re snobby elitists who take us for idiots, some kind of illiterate paeans who don’t understand the “H” is implied. And it’s not nurture, it’s the other thing. They really came out of the vagina as assholes.

Take Thom Wilkins, a self described “bear keeper” in Oregon. Thom’s one of those scraggly, free-thinking “outdoors” types who hangs out with bears in the woods. While he does not possess a zoology degree, nor even a high-school diploma, he does have a beard. I talked to Beardo and get a load this jerk: he said “Watch for fresh bear signs (scat, bear tracks or a dead carcass), never cook close to camp, store all foods in plastic away from camp, and if you come upon a bear cub, immediately leave the area… and by the way, some people just know me as T-o-m.” Well Thom, I’m not fooled by your aliases, and I’m certainly not going to listen to your “rules.” I’ll cook that cub if I feel like it—in my tent or wherever.

If bear guy/secret agent doesn’t convince you, take a look at Thom Goldberg, body builder and asshole from Los Angeles. He and other Misters Universe hopeful “pump iron” daily at sunny Muscle Beach in front of scores of spectators. “It’s really not about how big your muscles are, or how much you can bench,” says a superficially affable Goldberg. “It’s about hopes and dreams. Muscle Beach is a place for me to actively show kids that anything is possible.” But ‘neath this façade of sparkling blue eyes and succulent pulsating pectorals is a predator poised to kick sand in the eyes of a beta male like me. And did you see how he split his infinitive?!! Get a life.

But never mind these examples of famous (or infamous really) Thoms. Do you really need examples when its so painfully obvious that Thom is a jerk name? Parents, with that one little letter you are dooming your kid to a life of eternal jerkdom. Maybe someday this won’t be the case… Phshaw! Yeah right! And Lances will be straight and Darryls won’t be rednecks! Maybe in the year 3535. For now, I like my mohels Jewish, my presidents plain-spoken, and my Toms spelled T-o-m. [Editor's Note: While I cannot verify the quotations (or even the subjects) in this article, I trust the sentiment.]